Why do we fight?

It’s not why you think.

While we often squabble with out partner about the dishes left in the sink, who is over spending or why one of us ends up initiating sex “all the time.” These conflicts repeat in frequency so oftent hat we begin to believe that these are the source of our pain and disconnection from one another. And while it is important to have mutual agreements with our partners on who is responsible for what tasks and how labor is divided in a relationship, this isn’t really what we fight about.

The psychotherapist Ester Perel says underneath these domestic disputes are three basic hidden needs. Our need for respect & recognition, our need for control & power, and our need for closeness & care. When we are hurt by our partner it can feel excruciating to be vulnerable and truly ask for what it is that we really need. it’s not that we’re hurt about a dirty class left by the sink, we are asking that our partner respect our need for tidiness. When the emotional burden of intimacy is left to one partner, they can feel rejected by the lack of closeness and care from their beloved. When finances become the focus of our conflicts, we’re often fighting to feel in control.

it is not easy to untangle and get at the deeper meaning of your well rehearsed fights alone. It is important. The research shows that the fights we have the first year in marriage often turn into the fights we have our fiftieth year of marriage. Therapy can help you deceifer what it truly is that you need your partner to understand and what your underlying need is and how you can learn to communicate with one another more openly and effectively.